Why More and More Girls Are Hitting Puberty Early

Megan Gray was eight years old when she got her first period. She was playing hide-and-seek with her older sister and a friend at their friend’s house in suburban Sacramento. She was wearing pink jeans, which she had saved up for a long time to buy. She tied a sweatshirt around her waist to hide the bloodstain, and, later, threw the ruined pink jeans away; when her mother asked where they’d gone, she threw a tantrum to deflect the question.

Gray had a close relationship with her mom, but she was so young that they’d had no conversations about puberty; her older sister had not yet gotten her period. “There was nothing, no context for understanding,” Gray told me. “I knew what a period was—I didn’t think I was dying or anything. But still, I didn’t tell anyone for months. I just used wadded-up toilet paper. It felt so awkward and shameful.” She did eventually talk with her mom about it. But this was the nineteen-eighties.

“It wasn’t some big informational session. It was very Gen X—you just dealt with things by yourself and got on with it.” Gray was taller than her peers and wore layers of tops to conceal her developing breasts. She estimates that she was a C-cup by fifth grade. “There were assumptions about me because I had boobs. And I had never even kissed anyone. I was lucky, because nothing traumatic occurred. Yet I do think that there is a trauma in being sexualized.”

Maritza Gualy got her first period when she was eight going on nine, at the end of the eighties. Her mom showed her how to use a thick Kotex pad. Eventually, her older sister introduced her to o.b. tampons—the ones with no applicator; they were small and easier to hide. The sisters, whose parents were Colombian immigrants, attended a majority-white Catholic school in Nashville.

Her school uniform had no pockets, so whenever Gualy had her period, she had to hide tampons in her bra or in the waistband of her skirt. One day, an o.b. fell out of her skirt when she and her classmates were sitting on the rug together. Later, when they were back at their desks for a spelling test, Gualy recalled, “the teacher went around from kid to kid with the tampon. ‘Is this yours?’ ‘Is this yours?’ Except she was only asking the more well-developed girls! I knew I wasn’t going to admit to it.”

In fifth grade, Gualy’s best friend got her period, and she was upset to learn that Gualy had started hers more than a year earlier and hadn’t mentioned anything. “But I already felt so othered,” Gualy said, “and I didn’t want to add to that.” When Gray and Gualy were kids, pediatricians thought that the average age of onset of puberty in girls—defined in most medical literature as thelarche, when breast tissue begins to develop—was about eleven years old. Menarche, or first period, was thought to happen around age thirteen.

Only a small percentage of girls had started puberty by the age of eight, much less started menstruating.  But, by the two-thousands, new research had found that eighteen per cent of white girls, thirty-one per cent of Hispanic girls, and forty-three per cent of Black girls had entered thelarche by age eight, according to a study published in 2010.

Often, these girls were taller than most of their peers and showed other signs of accelerated physical maturation, such as pubic hair and underarm odor. Thelarche typically presages the onset of menstruation by two to three years, meaning that some of these girls would have to deal with the mess and discomfort of a monthly period before they’d finished elementary school.

Researchers and physicians hypothesized about possible causes for the increase in early puberty, such as increasing rates of obesity; greater exposure to endocrine-disrupting chemicals found in food, plastics, and personal-care products; and stressful or abusive home environments. Then, during the coronavirus pandemic, pediatric endocrinologists saw a new surge of referrals for girls with early puberty.

Recent retrospective studies from Germany and Turkey show that the number of these referrals doubled or even tripled during the lockdown periods of 2020 (this at a time when many families may have been avoiding non-emergency doctor’s visits for fear of COVID-19). A paper published in August in the journal Frontiers in Pediatrics, which analyzed data from South Korea’s national statistics portal, found that the number of children diagnosed with precocious puberty almost doubled between 2016 and 2021, with a sharp post-2020 spike.

The rise in early puberty “is a phenomenon that is occurring all over the world,” Frank M. Biro, the former director of the adolescent-medicine division at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, told me. (Although there has also been a rise among boys, girls experiencing early puberty still vastly outnumber them.)

The new data may offer some safety in numbers to early-developing girls—if Gray and Gualy were growing up today, they might have found a friend or two on the same accelerated track. But early puberty is associated with a daunting list of adverse physical and psychological outcomes: various studies have suggested that early-maturing girls are at greater risk for developing obesity, breast cancer, eating disorders, depression, and a range of behavioral issues.

Especially in the midst of what is increasingly understood to be a post-COVID youth mental-health crisis, the startling new uptick in early puberty is troubling to some physicians and parents. But, because the spike appears to have been triggered within a compressed, well-defined timeframe, it also offers rich terrain for better understanding the condition’s causes and effects.

It also provides a chance to rethink puberty: to see it not as a gateway into adulthood but as another stage of childhood—one that is highly variable from kid to kid and need not be cause for alarm. “We are in a great natural experiment at the moment, and we might not know the results of it for another ten years or more,” Louise Greenspan, a pediatric endocrinologist at Kaiser Permanente, San Francisco, said.

“I do wonder if this is going to be a cohort of kids whose puberty was more rapid because they were in a critical window of susceptibility during a time of great social upheaval.” For generations, pediatricians have referred to a table of pubertal development known as Tanner stages, named for the pediatric endocrinologist James Tanner, one of the lead investigators of the landmark Harpenden Growth Study, conducted from 1949 to 1971 at a charity home for orphaned and neglected children in a suburb of London.

There, hundreds of boys and girls were photographed naked at three-month intervals. Although the data for the Tanner scale were gathered from kids of a narrow demographic—white, thin, and bearing the internal scars of trauma or adversity in their formative years—it established, in a pair of papers published in 1969, our modern benchmarks of puberty: five distinct stages, ranging from prepubertal to fully developed.

On average, the girls in the study began showing breast buds—the “Tanner II” stage—at age eleven or so, and began menstruating between thirteen and fourteen. Early puberty is identified through physical examination, blood tests to measure levels of sex hormones, and a bone X-ray to estimate “bone age”—how close a child’s skeletal system is to reaching maturation.

Puberty typically begins in girls when the pituitary gland starts secreting hormones known as gonadotropins; these hormones cause the ovaries to grow and to produce estrogen, the sex hormone that triggers the development of secondary sex characteristics…Read more

Source: Why More and More Girls Are Hitting Puberty Early | The New Yorker

Related contents:

Making Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships … – Sarah Attwood – Google BooksErections in Babies | LIVESTRONG.COMWhat’s Happening to My Body? Book for Boys: Revised Edition – Lynda Madaras – Google Books

What’s Happening to My Body? Book for Girls: Revised Edition – Lynda Madaras – Google BooksØster J (April 1968). “Further Fate of the Foreskin: Incidence of Preputial Adhesions, Phimosis, and Smegma among Danish Schoolboys”. Arch Dis Child. 43 (228): 200–202. doi:10.1136/adc.43.228.200. PMC 2019851. PMID 5689532.

Kayaba H, Tamura H, Kitajima S, Fujiwara Y, Kato T, Kato T (November 1996). “Analysis of Shape and Retractability of the Prepuce in 603 Japanese Boys”. J Urol. American Urological Association, Inc. 156 (5): 1813–1815. doi:10.1016/S0022-5347(01)65544-7. PMID 8863623.Ishikawa E, Kawakita M (2004). “Preputial development in Japanese boys”. Hinyokika Kiyo. 50 (5): 305–8. PMID 15237481.

Beaugé M (1997). “The causes of adolescent phimosis”. Br J Sex Med (Sept/Oct): 26.“Circumcision Policy Statement”. Pediatrics. 103 (3): 686–93. 1999. doi:10.1542/peds.103.3.686. PMID 10049981.Krueger H, Osborn L (1986). “Effects of hygiene among the uncircumcised”. J Fam Pract. 22 (4): 353–5. PMID 3958682.Birley HD, Luzzi GA, Bell R (1993).

“Clinical features and management of recurrent balanitis: association with atopy and genital washing”. Genitourin Med. 69 (5): 400–403. doi:10.1136/sti.69.5.400. PMC 1195128. PMID 8244363.“Puberty — Changes for Males”. pamf.org. Retrieved 2009-02-20.“Getting The Facts: Puberty”. ppwr. Archived from the original on 2008-01-04. Retrieved 2009-02-20.“The No-Hair Scare”. PBS. Archived from the original on 2009-02-05. Retrieved 2009-02-20.

“The structure of the larynx”. Encyclopædia Britannica. Retrieved 2009-02-20.Marshall & Tanner (1986), p. 187.Marshall & Tanner (1986), p. 188.Tanner JM, Davies PS (1985). “Clinical longitudinal standards for height and height velocity for North American children”. The Journal of Pediatrics. 107 (3): 317–329. doi:10.1016/S0022-3476(85)80501-1. PMID 3875704.Gordon & Laufer (2005), p. 151.Marshall & Tanner (1986), pp. 186–187.Rosenfield (2002), p. 462.

Siegel MJ, Surratt JT (1992). “Pediatric gynecologic imaging”. Obstetrics and Gynecology Clinics of North America. 19 (1): 103–127. doi:10.1016/S0889-8545(21)00504-0. PMID 1584537.Anderson SE, Dallal GE, Must A (April 2003). “Relative weight and race influence average age at menarche: results from two nationally representative surveys of US girls studied 25 years apart”. Pediatrics. 111 (4 Pt 1): 844–850. doi:10.1542/peds.111.4.844. PMID 12671122.

Al-Sahab B, Ardern CI, Hamadeh MJ, Tamim H (2010). “Age at menarche in Canada: results from the National Longitudinal Survey of Children & Youth”. BMC Public Health. 10 (1): 736. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-10-736. PMC 3001737. PMID 21110899.Hamilton-Fairley, Diana (2004). Obstetrics and Gynaecology (PDF) (2nd ed.). Blackwell Publishing. Archived from the original (PDF) on 2018-10-09. Retrieved 2013-11-09.

Apter D (1980). “Serum steroids and pituitary hormones in female puberty: a partly longitudinal study”. Clinical Endocrinology. 12 (2): 107–120. doi:10.1111/j.1365-2265.1980.tb02125.x. PMID 6249519. S2CID 19913395.Marshall & Tanner (1986), pp. 196–197.Southam AL, Richart RM (1966). “The prognosis for adolescents with menstrual abnormalities”. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology. 94 (5): 637–645. doi:10.1016/0002-9378(66)90398-X. PMID 5906589.

“Hips widen during female puberty”. Columbia. Retrieved 2013-11-09.Gungor & Arslanian (2002), pp. 699–700.Rosenfield (2002), p. [page needed].Kalloo NB, Gearhart JP, Barrack ER (1993). “Sexually dimorphic expression of estrogen receptors, but not of androgen receptors in human fetal external genitalia”. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism. 77 (3): 692–698. doi:10.1210/jcem.77.3.8370691. PMID 8370691.

Andersson KE, Wein AJ (2004). “Pharmacology of the Lower Urinary Tract: Basis for Current and Future Treatments of Urinary Incontinence”. Pharmacological Reviews. 56 (4): 581–631. doi:10.1124/pr.56.4.4. PMID 15602011. S2CID 15746586.

Robinson D, Cardozo L (2011). “Estrogens and the lower urinary tract”. Neurourology and Urodynamics. 30 (5): 754–757. doi:10.1002/nau.21106. PMID 21661025. S2CID 36951754.“Everything You Wanted to Know About Puberty (for Teens) – KidsHealth”. kidshealth.org. Retrieved 2019-08-23.

Kaplowitz PB, Slora EJ, Wasserman RC, Pedlow SE, Herman-Giddens ME (2001). “Earlier onset of puberty in girls: relation to increased body mass index and race”. Pediatrics. 108 (2): 347–53. doi:10.1542/peds.108.2.347. PMID 11483799.Nelson RJ. 2005. Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology. Sinauer Associates: Massachusetts. p357.

Zuckerman, Diana (May 2009). “Early Puberty in Girls”. National Research Center for Women and Families. Archived from the original on 2013-11-09. Retrieved 2010-07-13. Based on a publication from The Ribbon, a newsletter of the Cornell University Program on Breast Cancer and Environmental Risk Factors in New York States ((BCERF), Vol 6, No. 1, Winter 2001.)

Mitchell AL, Dwyer A, Pitteloud N, Quinton R (2011). “Genetic basis and variable phenotypic expression of Kallmann syndrome: towards a unifying theory”. Trends Endocrinol. Metab. 22 (7): 249–58. doi:10.1016/j.tem.2011.03.002. PMID 21511493. S2CID 23578201.

Hugh Jones, ed. (2008). “Chapter 9. Puberty & Fertility”. Testosterone Deficiency in Men. Oxford Endocrinology Library. Oxford University Press. ISBN 978-0199545131.[page needed]Finley, Harry. “Average age at menarche in various cultures”. Museum of Menstruation and Women’s Health. Retrieved 2007-08-02.

Marketing Programs To Buy:

10 Bold Actions In Positive Life     https://jvz3.com/c/202927/383942/
3D Pal Toons     https://jvz6.com/c/202927/381689/
4brandcommercial        https://jvz1.com/c/202927/375487
7 Minutes Kit      https://jvz8.com/c/202927/374505/
9 figure Success        https://jvz8.com/c/202927/384653/
Ad Raven      https://jvz4.com/c/202927/382796/
Ada leadz     https://jvz8.com/c/202927/376381
ADA Web      https://jvz3.com/c/202927/383751/
AdRaven       https://jvz3.com/c/202927/382851/
Adsense Machine      https://jvz2.com/c/202927/290487
Adtivate Agency      https://jvz3.com/c/202927/383706/
AdvertSuite     https://jvz1.com/c/202927/335011/
AdzHero     https://jvz2.com/c/202927/366972/
AffiliateMatic     https://jvz3.com/c/202927/381148/
Agency Client Finder    https://jvz3.com/c/202927/384619/
Agencyscale      https://jvz1.com/c/202927/383113/
AgencyScale      https://jvz4.com/c/202927/383111/
AIWA Commercial     https://jvz2.com/c/202927/365061
ALL-in-One HD Stock    https://jvz4.com/c/202927/381560
Animaxime    https://jvz2.com/c/202927/383307/
Appimize      https://jvz8.com/c/202927/370227
Appoint B Agency     https://jvz1.com/c/202927/384630/
Appointomatic      https://jvz6.com/c/202927/374258
Appowls    https://jvz4.com/c/202927/381231/
Art Of Living    https://jvz4.com/c/202927/382425/
Audiencetoolkit     https://jvz6.com/c/202927/302715
Audika  https://jvz8.com/c/202927/383635/
Aweber Crash Course     https://jvz6.com/c/202927/383057/
Backlinkindexer    https://jvz6.com/c/202927/88118
BettingMaster      https://jvz2.com/c/202927/387079/
BevTraders    http://www.bevtraders.com/?ref=arminham
Big Audio Club     https://jvz6.com/c/202927/380087/
BigAudio Club    https://jvz2.com/c/202927/380877/
Boost Optimism   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/380692/
BrandElevate   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/381807/
BrandElevate   https://jvzoo.com/c/202927/381812
Bybit     https://www.bybit.com/en-US/invite?ref=ALEXP
CanvaKitz    https://jvz4.com/c/202927/379051/
ChatterPal    https://jvz8.com/c/202927/324615
Clientfinda   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/370806
Clipsreel   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/372682
Commission smasher   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/376879
Content Gorilla   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/330783
Content Tool Kit   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/329145/
ContentGenie   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/387717/
CourseAlly eLearning   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/384759/
CourseReel   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/355249
Courserious   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/360397/
Coursova   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/376527
Creaitecontent  https://jvz1.com/c/202927/376986
Credit Repair   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/377815/
Cryptokit    https://jvz8.com/c/202927/383809/
CryptoRocket    https://jvz6.com/c/202927/378113/
CryptoUnderworld     https://jvz8.com/c/202927/374345/
Dealcheck     https://dealcheck.io?fp_ref=armin16
DesignaSuite      https://jvz2.com/c/202927/297271
DesignBeast    https://jvz6.com/c/202927/371547
DevelopSelfEmpowerment     https://jvz6.com/c/202927/383094/
DFYappBiz   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/388099/
DFYContentClub     https://jvz6.com/c/202927/381337/
DFYSuite   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/381194/
Diabetes Guide    https://jvz2.com/c/202927/358870/
Diddly Pay’s    https://jvz2.com/c/202927/315596
Diet fitness diabetes   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/286851
Domainname    https://jvz6.com/c/202927/377005
Dominate Email   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/386980/
Dropshiply   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/383483/
DUX Forex Signals   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/128215/
EBook Agency    https://jvz2.com/c/202927/384573/
Ejaculation Total   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/75989/
Email Monetizer    https://jvz2.com/c/202927/386337/
EngagerMate  https://jvz8.com/c/202927/328172
EngageYard   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/383051/
Explaindio    https://jvz1.com/c/202927/123757/
Extreme Adz   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/379244/
Extreme Coupon  https://jvz1.com/c/202927/216101/
EZ Local Appointment  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/385180/
Ezy  https://jvz1.com/c/202927/381935/
Ezy MultiStores  https://jvzoo.com/c/202927/381935
Facebook Cash Machine   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/382333/
Facedrip  https://jvz1.com/c/202927/376325/
FaceSwap   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/381768/
Fade To Black   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/344541
Fanpage  https://jvz4.com/c/202927/144349
Fitness Nutrition   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/353334/
Followup Builder   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/386313/
Forex Atlatian   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/25069/
Forex Blizz   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/144577/
Forex Blue Stark  https://jvz3.com/c/202927/47481/
Forex expert   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/376877
Forex Hybrid Scalper    https://jvz6.com/c/202927/95037/
Forex Joustar   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/381617/
Forex Mastery   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/144621/
Forex Scouts   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/132677/
forrk  https://jvz1.com/c/202927/373449
FusionMT4    https://jvz2.com/c/202927/372523/
FX Goldminer  https://jvz1.com/c/202927/381439/
Galactic  https://jvz1.com/c/202927/188236/
Gaming job   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/184902  s
Genesis Mining   https://www.genesis-mining.com/a/2535466
Gluten free   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/296191
GMB Magic  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/377194
Grafikky  https://jvz4.com/c/202927/383879/
Graphic Alta  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/324492/
Heal Your Emptiness   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/384848/
High Converting Emails  https://jvz3.com/c/202927/386305/
HostLegends    https://jvz4.com/c/202927/384755/
Hostley Domain Creator   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/379223/
Human Synthesys Studio  https://jvz8.com/c/202927/367353/
ImageX   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/363237/
IMSyndicator  https://jvz1.com/c/202927/370769
Inboxr   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/312692
Insta Keyword    https://jvz6.com/c/202927/351606/
Instant Website   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/377557
InstantWebsiteBundle          https://jvz6.com/c/202927/377557
iTraffic X  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/320466
keysearch  https://jvz3.com/c/202927/194909
KlickCourse   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/385006/
Klippyo Kreators  https://jvz8.com/c/202927/327447
KoinCart   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/383555/
Leadvalet   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/385580/
Levidio Royal Podcasting   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/384025/
Linkable DFY   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/385873/
Linkomatic  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/380937/
LiteTrading   https://www.litefinance.com/?uid=929237543
Live Your Truth  https://jvz6.com/c/202927/379020
Living An Intentional Life    https://jvzoo.com/c/202927/382455
Living an International Life    https://jvz8.com/c/202927/382455/
Local Leader   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/383715/
Local Sites   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/380543/
LocalAgencyBox  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/359468
LocalCentric   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/379339/
LocalioAI    https://jvz6.com/c/202927/378310/
MarketAll      https://jvz2.com/c/202927/386971/
Marketingblocks     https://jvz6.com/c/202927/374934
MarketPresso   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/369837
Massfluence  https://jvz4.com/c/202927/386885/
Mat1 Simple Funnel   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/380197/
Maxslides  https://jvz8.com/c/202927/376842
Mech Forex Robot   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/383447/
MediaCloudPro   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/343635
Megasuite   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/383953/
Mobi First   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/353694/
Motion Kingdom Studio  https://jvz4.com/c/202927/383177/
Movid Animation  https://jvz6.com/c/202927/380385/
MT4Code System   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/376925
My Passive Income   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/384099/
MyMailIt   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/292919
MyTrafficJacker   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/353558
Next Drive  https://jvz4.com/c/202927/371095/
NichBox  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/370705/
Organic Life Guide  https://jvz8.com/c/202927/366872/
Pcommerce   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/372265/
Phemex  https://phemex.com/register-vt1?referralCode=D8HUS2
Photokit  https://jvz4.com/c/202927/373207/
PicsAds   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/385468/
PigMoneyMethod   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/377665/
Pipstock    http://pipstockexchange.com/register?ref=204
Pitchdeck   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/347847/
Pixal  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/378775/
PixaStudio    https://jvz1.com/c/202927/373089/
Pixivid   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/385213/
PlanB Muscle Growth   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/36517/
PlayerNeos   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/376962
Podcast Advantage   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/379995/
Podcast Masterclass  https://jvz3.com/c/202927/379998/
PodKastr    https://jvz1.com/c/202927/369500/
PopLinks    https://jvz2.com/c/202927/368095/
Postradamus     https://jvz6.com/c/202927/108695
Power Reviews    https://jvz8.com/c/202927/384625/
Powrsuite   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/376361
PR Rage  https://jvz4.com/c/202927/343405
prime stocks   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/369164  prime stocks
Profile mate    https://jvz4.com/c/202927/358049
Promovidz   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/375692/
Push Button Traffic   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/301402
QR Verse   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/383865/
Quintex Capital     https://quintexcapital.com/?ref=arminham
Quit Smoking    https://jvz3.com/c/202927/359081/
QuizMatic   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/387116/
Reputor   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/380159/
ReVideo  https://jvzoo.com/c/202927/381761
ReviewReel   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/382663/
Rewriter   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/353373/
RSI SEO   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/384381/
Scriptdio   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/385387/
Seniors Income    https://jvz2.com/c/202927/383888/
Senuke  https://jvz6.com/c/202927/279944
ShopABot   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/291955
ShopFunnels   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/384069/
SocialAgency360   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/385357/
SociCake  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/321987
Socifeed   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/375706
SociJam  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/309649
Soronity  https://jvz6.com/c/202927/368736
SqribbleEbook   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/283867
Stackable Picture   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/385046/
Steven Alvey’s   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/351754
Stoodaio   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/372094
Storymate    https://jvz3.com/c/202927/320972
StoryReel   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/387813/
StreamPilot   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/385431/
Studioninja   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/374965
Sunday Freebie  https://jvz1.com/c/202927/267113/
Super backdrop   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/376524
Survai    https://jvz8.com/c/202927/380933/
Syndranker    https://jvz3.com/c/202927/378143/
Talkingfaces   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/375550
The Internet Marketing   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/289944
Tonai Voice Content   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/383117/
Toon Video Maker    https://jvz2.com/c/202927/357201
TrafficForU   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/381950/
Trendio  https://jvz3.com/c/202927/381003/
TubePal   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/379863/
Tubeserp   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/370472
TubeTargeter  https://jvz6.com/c/202927/377211
TuneMingo    https://jvz3.com/c/202927/386556/
TV Boss Fire  https://jvz6.com/c/202927/379480/
Ultrafunnels A.I   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/381129/
VIADZ Ad Template  https://jvz4.com/c/202927/379307/
Vidcentric   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/376095
Viddeyo    https://jvz6.com/c/202927/382326/
Videevolve   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/381011/
Vidently   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/387798/
Video Campaignor      https://jvz4.com/c/202927/387058/
Video Games   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/184902/
VideoEnginePro     https://jvz2.com/c/202927/372916
VideoGameSuite    https://jvz3.com/c/202927/366537/
VideoRobot Enterprise   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/291061
VidKreate   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/386029/
VidMingo   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/378359/
VidRaffle   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/386840/
VidSnatcher    https://jvz3.com/c/202927/342585
VidVoicer    https://jvz1.com/c/202927/379983/
Vidzura   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/385754/
Viral dash   https://jvz6.com/c/202927/375959
Viral Quotes      https://jvz2.com/c/202927/386984/
VirtualReel   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/376849
Vocalic  https://jvz2.com/c/202927/383848/
VoiceBuddy    https://jvz1.com/c/202927/342854
WebCop  https://jvz4.com/c/202927/378683/
Webinarkit   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/383937/
Webprimo   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/379455/
WordPress Mastery   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/386249/
WowBackgraounds   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/381556/
WP GDPR    https://jvz8.com/c/202927/299907
WP Simulator    https://jvz3.com/c/202927/46987/
Writer Arc   https://jvz1.com/c/202927/386602/
writing job   https://jvz8.com/c/202927/213027
XBrain Forex   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/372305/
XFUNNELS   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/310335
Xinemax  https://jvz1.com/c/202927/381749/
YoDrive   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/384700/
YoSeller   https://jvz4.com/c/202927/387544/
Your 3DPal   https://jvz2.com/c/202927/381685/
YTSuite   https://jvzoo.com/c/202927/381179
Zappable   https://jvz3.com/c/202927/367328/

When Meditation and Spirituality Become Obstacles To Maturation

Many skilled Western meditators have noted an uncomfortable gap between their “spiritual” aspect and their everyday personality. For some, it is tempting to use meditation to withdraw from unpleasant feelings or relationship conflicts into a meditative “safe zone.”

One representative example is found the online magazine Aeon. In July 2019, it brought a thoughtful article, “The Problem of Mindfulness,” from a university student, Sahanika Ratnayake.

Sahanika had begun to meditate in her teenage years and then found that the very practice of neutral witnessing interfered with her ability to form judgments about the situations that she was in. She felt as if a membrane had formed between her and the events of her life and the events in the news.

Very sensibly, she ended up using neutral witnessing much more sparingly—and I suspect that loving-kindness meditations might have been helpful as well. What she experienced was not meditative witnessing but dissociation.

Meditation and Immaturity

Other meditators long for glowing visions of divine figures or intricate dreams and past-life images of their spiritual belonging or importance—events that can counterbalance low self-esteem. Others seem to seek refuge in performance: counting daily hours of meditation, collecting data on time spent as a quality guarantee for a valuable life.

Also, a sense of entitlement can easily sneak in: “Because I am such a good and spiritual person, I am entitled to . . . (your love and admiration, your money, sex with you whether you want it or not, the right to throw temper tantrums, the right not to get criticized, not to get disturbed)”—fill in your own favorite privilege. Of course, this is not spirituality but immaturity.

Seeking Comfort

It is important to realize that meditation and prayer don’t automatically create a mature personality. They develop skills in meditating and praying. Interestingly, modern Jungian psychologists have been very alive to this issue. One excellent author on the subject is Robert Moore, whose descriptions are much with me. He writes about the immature tendency to seek comfort in grandiosity (Moore, 2003).

In his view, grandiosity can be either directly self-centered (“I am amazing”) or referred to the group that a person identifies with (“I have the true religion/football team/et cetera)” or to a teacher (“I myself am nothing, but my spiritual teacher or organization is the one true way,” or at the very least “My teacher and spiritual path are better than your teacher and spiritual path”).

Spiritual Sensitivity

Another pitfall is “spiritual sensitivity,” which can be understood as being too sensitive to bear facing the pain of other people or of the world. This position is not exclusive to people with a spiritual practice, and it is also not a sign of purity, but the result of being caught at the maturation level of emotional contagion.

This term refers to the normal emotional maturity that is most evident in the infant at around three to eight months of age. It describes states in which we resonate with the feeling of another person but get caught in that feeling instead of being able to embrace it, feeling it fully and holding it with kindness.

Empathy and Maturation

When we can access slightly higher levels of maturity, we feel more separate, and this makes it possible to develop empathy. This emerges around the age of sixteen to eighteen months of age, and it transforms our emotional resonance into a feeling of care directed to the other.

From empathy we can take a step further in maturation, developing the ability to create a mental image of what the other is experiencing and then reality-testing it—checking it, combining mental clarity with empathy into an attitude of compassion that reaches out to the actual need rather than to our fantasy of the need.

More Meditation Pitfalls

But we are not quite done with the pitfalls. Once we can think about the inner states of others, we can lose the empathic resonance in favor of a safe mental ivory tower of thoughts, explanations, and disengaged mirror-like witnessing. Compassion is the opposite of disengagement. Itliterally means “with-passion” or “in-touch.” We touch pain and joy and allow it to touch us and move us, and perhaps move us to action—but not to drown us.

I might add a final, universal, primitive dynamic: “us” versus “them.” Once again, these issues are not caused by contemplative practices (or religion in general), but contemplative practices do not resolve them. If they did, groups with a high value on prayer and meditation would have little or no conflict, their leadership would be free of aggressive or underhanded competition, and their organizational hierarchies would be helpful and benign.

Splitting into “us” and “them” just wouldn’t happen. Perhaps we would have just one inclusive world religion in which everyone would be able to find common ground and accept each other’s inevitable differences.

Instead, the social dynamics of spiritual organizations and spiritual leadership look just like that of all the other human activities, from war to politics to football to cooking, with mature and immature behavior all mixed together, scandals, infighting, great teamwork here and there, greed, power games, lies, compassionate behavior, sexual abuse, and all the rest of the whole glorious mess of human social life.

The hard fact of human maturation and brain development is that you get better at what you do more of, and you lose skills that you don’t use. Learning meditation and prayer will not make us better at resolving conflicts with other people, because the two practices require different skill set. Meditating will make you better at meditating.

Learning to resolve conflicts in relationships

Faced with questions from students about deeply personal problems and existential issues, many meditation masters have come up with a compassionate cry: “Meditate more! Let go! It will pass!” This is true, everything will pass, including us, but in the meantime, maturity is about taking responsibility for something more than our own comfort or development.

In this century, we are waking up to sharing the care of a whole world. In your daily relationships, this means that no matter how innocent, pure, or spiritual you might feel, if there is a conflict in one of your relationships, understanding yourself as part of this conflict is an essential skill. Learning to work well with others and learning to resolve painful issues in your intimate life and your friendships will develop this skill. It will also give you more depth if and when you meditate.

Learning to resolve conflicts in relationships is likely to enhance your spiritual practice, if you have one. In exactly the same way, a spiritual practice is likely to help you with your relationship issues, if you want to learn how to resolve relationship pain. All learning has an innate structure. It adapts to other fields. Once you know three languages well, a fourth is easier to learn.

In my own experience, it holds true that deep insights about learning transfer well across different fields, such as meditation, relationship issues, and animal training. As I continue to learn how to train a dog or a horse, as well as my recently adopted red-tailed boa Cassie, I improve my ability to listen into animals. During that often frustrating process, I develop nonverbal cues and discover nonverbal principles of how to listen to the aliveness and readiness of my own consciousness—and how to listen to the aliveness of students, clients, friends, and last, but not least, my husband.

photo of the author: Marianne Bentzen

By: Marianne Bentzen

Marianne is a psychotherapist and trainer in neuroaffective development psychology. The author and coauthor of many professional articles and books, including The Neuroaffective Picture Book, she has taught in 17 countries and presented at more than 35 international and national conferences.

.

More contents:

The Do’s and Don’ts of Meditation and Trauma (Video)

Remembering and Reclaiming the Perfection of Who You Are

Can Virtual Reality Speed Up Stroke Recovery?

.

More Remote Working Apps:

https://quintexcapital.com/?ref=arminham     Quintex Capital

https://www.genesis-mining.com/a/2535466   Genesis Mining

http://www.bevtraders.com/?ref=arminham   BevTraders

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/369164  prime stocks

https://jvz3.com/c/202927/361015  content gorilla

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/366443  stock rush

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/373449  forrk

https://jvz3.com/c/202927/194909  keysearch

https://jvz4.com/c/202927/296191  gluten free

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/286851  diet fitness diabetes

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/213027  writing job

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/108695  postradamus

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/372094  stoodaio

https://jvz4.com/c/202927/358049  profile mate

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/279944  senuke

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/54245   asin

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/370227  appimize

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/376524  super backdrop

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/302715  audiencetoolkit

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/375487  4brandcommercial

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/375358  talkingfaces

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/375706  socifeed

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/184902  gaming jobs

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/88118   backlink indexer

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/376361  powrsuite

https://jvz3.com/c/202927/370472  tubeserp

https://jvz4.com/c/202927/343405  PR Rage

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/371547  design beast

https://jvz3.com/c/202927/376879  commission smasher

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/376925  MT4Code System

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/375959  viral dash

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/376527  coursova

https://jvz4.com/c/202927/144349  fanpage

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/376877  forex expert

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/374258  appointomatic

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/377003  woocommerce

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/377005  domainname marketing 

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/376842  maxslides

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/376381  ada leadz

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/333637  eyeslick

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/376986  creaite contentcreator

https://jvz4.com/c/202927/376095  vidcentric

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/374965  studioninja

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/374934  marketingblocks

https://jvz3.com/c/202927/372682  clipsreel

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/372916  VideoEnginePro

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/144577  BarclaysForexExpert

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/370806  Clientfinda

https://jvz3.com/c/202927/375550  Talkingfaces

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/370769  IMSyndicator

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/283867  SqribbleEbook

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/376524  superbackdrop

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/376849  VirtualReel

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/369837  MarketPresso

https://jvz1.com/c/202927/342854  voiceBuddy

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/377211  tubeTargeter

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/377557  InstantWebsiteBundle

https://jvz6.com/c/202927/368736  soronity

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/337292  DFY Suite 3.0 Agency+ information

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/291061  VideoRobot Enterprise

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/327447  Klippyo Kreators

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/324615  ChatterPal Commercial

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/299907  WP GDPR Fix Elite Unltd Sites

https://jvz8.com/c/202927/328172  EngagerMate

https://jvz3.com/c/202927/342585  VidSnatcher Commercial

https://jvz3.com/c/202927/292919  myMailIt

https://jvz3.com/c/202927/320972  Storymate Luxury Edition

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/320466  iTraffic X – Platinum Edition

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/330783  Content Gorilla One-time

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/301402  Push Button Traffic 3.0 – Brand New

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/321987  SociCake Commercial

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/289944  The Internet Marketing Newsletter PLR Monthly Membership

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/297271  Designa Suite License

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/310335  XFUNNELS FE Commercial Drag-n-Drop Page Editor

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/291955  ShopABot

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/312692  Inboxr

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/343635  MediaCloudPro 2.0 – Agency Rights

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/353558  MyTrafficJacker 2.0 Pro+

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/365061  AIWA Commercial

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/357201  Toon Video Maker Premium

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/351754  Steven Alvey’s Signature Series 3rd Installment

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/344541  Fade To Black

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/290487  Adsense Machine

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/315596  Diddly Pay’s DLCM DFY Club

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/355249  CourseReel Professional

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/309649  SociJam System

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/263380  360Apps Certification Masterclass

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/359468  LocalAgencyBox

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/377557  Instant Website Bundle

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/377194  GMB Magic Content

https://jvz2.com/c/202927/376962  PlayerNeos VR

How Cultural Forces Shape Parenting Around the World

So much parenting advice focuses on the slog of the early years: How to manage sleep, feeding, tantrums, and the like. And while much of these efforts are in service of a long-term goal—raising an adult human you can be proud of—there’s much less out there that addresses life with that human as they come into their own.

Novelist Yang Huang explores that space in her latest book, My Good Son, allowing the reader to observe how parenting has shaped father and son, especially as some of the more complex, even morally questionable questions arise in the son’s burgeoning adulthood. Add in the setting—post-Tiananmen China—and a cleverly-positioned American father-son relationship to serve as the foil, and it’s a loving and intricate study of what it means to be a good Chinese parent.

Here, Huang turns her gaze to how different cultures approach the measure of being a “good parent,” sharing her research on how geography and traditions inform the many ways families grow and thrive. She explains:

“Although all of my fiction talks about parenting from both the parents’ and children’s perspectives, I have not read a book on parenting before! Finding parenting stories around the world opens my eyes and also affirms my values in many ways.”

A Lost Secret: How to Get Kids to Pay Attention

Yang Huang: “Don’t just blame a child’s short attention span on video games. Perhaps we can learn from Maya parenting—they motivate children to pay attention by giving them autonomy. When a child is setting the goal, they also learn to manage their own attention, rather than relying on adults to tell them what to do.”

I Spent 7 Years Studying Dutch Parenting—Here Are 6 Secrets to Raising the Happiest Kids in the World

YH: “Dutch parents raise the happiest children, in no small part helped by the government policies. Still, there are many things Americans can learn from, such as the family eating breakfast together, and children biking in all weathers. The Dutch have high ambitions for their children and see happiness as a means to success, the gateway to self-awareness, intrinsic motivation, independence, and positive ties with their communities.”

The Peril of Surplus Safety: Giving Kids Room to Become Adults [WATCH]

YH: “Children are drawn to things that we adults fear. We want to protect them and childproof their lives away. But does it work? People in Norway, Japan, and many other cultures, believe that the greatest safety precaution you can give a child is to let them take risks, so they can hone their judgement about what is safe and what is not, physically, emotionally, and socially.”

L’éducation “à la Française” [WATCH]

YH: “Here, an American journalist and mother speaks about what she learned from French parenting. (She’s speaking French, but the subtitles are in English.) She appeals to a French audience without pandering to them, and admits that American parenting aims to speed up the stages of our children’s development, calling it ‘a giant race from the cradle.’ Fortunately, she learns to parent with conventional French wisdom, which she summarizes into eight phrases: Hello, wait, be wise, you have to try it, balance, autonomy, it’s my decision, and poop sausage. Simple, right? Hear how she interprets them with glee and humility.”

Toilet Training at 2 Is Normal in U.S. But Very Late in China and Other Countries

YH: “Toilet training is a milestone in child-rearing. Compare the practices in first vs. third world countries, and gain a sobering perspective on nature vs. nurture, economics, and politics.”

A Chinese-Canadian to His Parents: ‘Privately, I Yearned for Your Love’

YH: “Before becoming Marvel’s first Asian superhero, Canadian actor Simu Liu had a childhood strikingly similar to mine, although we are not the same generation and grew up in different continents. His teenage angst mirrors my character Feng in my novel My Good Son. In broad strokes, Liu tells a timeless Chinese parenting story where a child learns to transform their anger and resentment into understanding and admiration for their parents. And that is a superhero feat.”

Letter From Africa: Parenting Culture Clash

YH: “In Ghana, children are taught to call an elder person with a title of respect like uncle or auntie. A teenager can enjoy being coddled, while their parents make the big decisions for them. What an indulgence! But with a price. It is similar in China, which led me to explore a clash of generations in My Good Son.”

What American Parents Can Learn From Chinese Philosophy

YH: “More Christine Gross-Loh here, this time about how kids relate to each other and the world. The Chinese philosophers saw the world as one of endless, shifting relationships—we have influence over the trajectory of our lives when we focus on learning how to relate well to others. Caring for one another is hard, albeit rewarding work. This is not just how our children will become better people and live better lives—it is how they can create a better world.”

Motherhood Around the World

YH: “This series on Cup of Jo features firsthand accounts of Americans parenting abroad as well as locals sharing how their home country approaches different aspects of raising children. I especially liked reading how one South African mother raises her mixed-raced child to be trilingual and specifically not colorblind in a culturally diverse environment with a wide socioeconomic gap. Also, this Colorado mom, now in Jordan, who shares her experience getting to know local Muslim women and their approach to food, soothing babies, and friendship.”

By: Yang Huang

Source: How Cultural Forces Shape Parenting Around the World

.

quintex-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1

Related Contents:

Teaching Your Kids How to Resolve Conflict Without Fighting

You know how we have epiphanies as we grow older? One of the most profound ones for me has been the realization that just because someone doesn’t agree with what you’re saying at the moment doesn’t mean that they don’t agree with you all the time or that they don’t like you anymore.

This simple realization has had a huge impact on my life.

Just recently, my parents and brother were in town for my daughter’s birthday. We were at dinner the night before her party, and my brother hadn’t put his phone down the entire half hour we’d been seated. I made a comment on this – that it’s not pleasant to share a meal with someone that can’t take their eyes away from their smart phones – and he stormed off, refusing to engage in any conversation.

This isn’t the first time he’s had a violent outburst of anger over a small conflict. As his family member, it upsets me that this happens so frequently.

While I tried to make amends over text message (the only way he was willing to communicate), I noticed something in what he was saying – he thought that any criticism of his actions was a criticism of him. He thought that if I respected him, then I would not say anything negative to him. And worst of all, he thought that disagreeing meant we couldn’t be friends.

I started to wonder why this might be. Did we not have good examples of conflict resolution growing up? Did we witness violent outbursts of anger? When I think back on it, I can’t remember my parents ever arguing. And while that may seem like a good thing, I think that may be where the problem lies.

In order to know how to handle conflict in a productive and healthy manner, we need models of healthy conflict resolution. While on one hand fighting and inflamed emotions only create pain, on the other, never seeing adults disagree means our children don’t know how to deal with conflicts at all.

Productive arguments and even conflict are good, and can bring us closer when handled well. Among the many things we teach our kids, how to resolve conflict without resorting to either drama or fighting, or just simply sweeping it under the rug to fester, is very important.

Here are some ways we can teach our kids to argue in a way that builds connections, instead of destroying them –

1. Teach that disagreement and conflict do not mean that the relationship is damaged or in jeopardy

Our children need to know they are loved unconditionally. This is true in our homes, in school, and on the playground. It is far too common for individuals to view a disagreement as the undoing of a relationship. It is entirely possible to have opposing views and to still get along.

When your child comes home after a disagreement with a friend, listen to the grievances, and remind your child that their relationship with their friend remains intact.

Saying “I see, you didn’t like it that Mila wouldn’t share the swing with you” places the burden on the action; saying “it sounds like Mila was being mean today” places the burden on Mila.

This important distinction does two things:

  1. it helps your child understand that it was the action, not the friend, which was truly upsetting and
  2. it promotes a growth mindset.

Your child will learn that Mila’s actions do not define her completely. If the negative feelings are linked directly to your child’s friend instead of the action, your child may incorporate that image of Mila as always being mean. By linking the feelings to the action, your child will be more likely to understand that having one disagreement does not mean that Mila will always be “mean”.

You can also teach your child this truth by affirming it whenever the two of you disagree. Be careful and intentional with the language you choose.

Instead of criticizing your child (“you’re being disruptive”), make it clear that it is the behavior that you are unapproving of (“the way you are banging your silverware on the table is disrupting our family dinner”).

This can help your child take an outside perspective of the behavior or disagreement. Instead of aligning him or herself with the behavior in opposition to you, he or she can align with you in opposition to the behavior. Which makes it easier to teach kids how to resolve conflict in a healthy manner and brings us to our next strategy…

2. Instill in your child a sense of family and friends as teammates

There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re outside of a group. Being ostracized in time out or left out of a game of tag can be debilitating for a child. We want to belong. And one of the things that can make us feel like we don’t belong is having a fight.

I noticed this in my communication with my brother. He felt rejected because of our disagreement, when in reality I only meant to point out a behavior that was hindering our ability to connect. I should have been more careful to make it clear that it wasn’t him that I had a problem with, but was the behavior instead.

One way we can do this with our children and other adults is reminding ourselves and each other that we are on the same team. When your child is disrupting dinner time, saying something like “we all want to have a meal together and spend time with each other” reminds him or her that you have the same goal.

Back to our example of Mila not sharing her swing – this is a good time to explain that individuals often have different ideas of the same goal. In this example, our goal on the playground is to have fun and play together. Mila is expressing this goal by swinging. How else can we meet this goal together? How can we cooperate, rather than compete, to find different options for reaching the same goal? Can we take turns with one on the swing and the other pushing her 10 times and then switch places so both of us can have fun?

This is the sort of conversation that may be difficult to have with young children, but if we are able to open our children’s minds to seeing different ways to get the same thing accomplished, and ultimately look for a win-win solution, we have done them a great service for their lives to come.

3. Encourage your child to recognize the emotions that come to the surface during a conflict

When we don’t view each other as teammates, we may come to assume that the other person has bad intentions or is trying to hurt us. Where does this come from?

Most often, it is a defense against the pain and fear of being rejected. These emotions are quick to come to the surface in any conflict – our stomach gets tight, we sweat, our heart pounds. We are afraid of what the other person – our partner, a friend, a coworker – might say.

In order to protect ourselves against these scary feelings, we often fight back. We lash out instead of taking a moment to recognize our own vulnerability.

We can help our children recognize this cascade of thoughts and feelings by verbalizing it for them and asking them how they feel.

When you see anger rising in your child, place a hand on their shoulder and ask them what they’re feeling. The touch will help them feel safe and grounded, and the answer to your question may help them step out of their escalating anger and fear.

If they have trouble finding the words to describe their emotions, help them out. Say “it seems like you’re feeling angry/scared/frustrated”. Giving them a variety of words to express their emotions and helping them understand the more complicated ones will give them tools of emotional intelligence that they can use throughout their lives to build healthy relationships. This primer from The Natural Child Project has suggestions on how to observe and verbalize the emotions that arise from a difficult situation.

Once the emotions are identified, help them dig deeper to explore the causes of these emotions: “you felt frustrated when Mila wouldn’t share the swing with you”, or “did you feel scared that she may not be your friend if she didn’t share?”

By now, your child will probably start to be more calm and able to think through a healthy solution for how to resolve conflict. This is a good time to use our first two strategies: reminding your child that the disagreement does not mean that the friendship is over, and that there may be other ways to view the situation so that you can reach your shared goal together.

4. Model these strategies every chance you get

There is no greater teacher than the world around us, and our children are sponges, absorbing all of our actions and words as the blueprint for their lives.

A lot of pressure? Maybe.

But that’s one of the beauties of parenthood – it pushes us to be our best selves.

I mentioned above that my brother and I never saw our parents disagreeing. How were we meant to learn how to disagree if we never saw it happening? It seemed to us that disagreeing was something so bad that it had be hidden, if it happened at all. But disagreements happen, and there’s no way to avoid them. What we can avoid is an inability to deal with conflict in a healthy manner.

For example, having a disagreement with your spouse is not a time to run to another room and argue in hushed tones. Instead, use it as a teaching moment for your child and for yourself.

Saying “when you forget to go to the grocery store, I feel disrespected” gets to the heart of the issue much more than angrily shouting “you’re so forgetful!”

It also helps your spouse recognize the impact of their actions on you – it is highly unlikely that he or she neglected to go to the store out of any disrespect for you – and it helps you recognize that you may be experiencing emotions that are more about your own reaction than about the actions of your partner. According to nonviolent communication pioneer Marshall Rosenberg, “what others do may be a stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause”.

Modeling this behavior is hugely instructional for our children. They get to see us being vulnerable, and they start to see this honest discussion of emotions as a normal and healthy part of our interactions with each other.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

At the heart of teaching healthy conflict-resolution skills is a deep understanding of our own reactions to conflict. Just as we discussed helping your child recognize his or her emotions, we need to practice this ourselves.

The next time you disagree with your child, your spouse, your coworker, or your friend, notice how your body feels. Our bodies can often teach us a lot about our emotions. Do you hunch over, taking a protective stance out of a feeling of fear? Do you immediately cross your arms, unwilling to move forward hand-in-hand with the other person?

Identifying the tension in your body is the first step to letting it go. See if you can relax into your own vulnerability. Remind yourself that this is not a fight-or-flight situation, but rather an opportunity to understand each other more deeply and to forge an even stronger relationship.

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

If you are inclined to write, you can take the 2-minute action plan a step further. Keeping a daily stream-of-consciousness journal can be a wonderful tool for unraveling our thoughts, feelings, actions, and the connections among the three.

Julia Cameron pioneered this idea in The Artist’s Way, calling the ritual “Morning Pages”. While it was originally meant to clear the mind to make room for creativity, the Morning Pages practice can also be used to clear your mind of any clutter or complicated thoughts, to make room for full, authentic engagement with the world and your family.

When it comes to conflict, a writing practice can help you understand your own reactions to difficult situations. This in turn helps us connect with and better understand our children. This high level of empathy is crucial for helping our children learn to understand their emotions related to conflict and disagreement, and one of the best ways to cultivate empathy is by being vulnerable ourselves. From that place of kindness and empathy, we can teach our children to deal with these moments in a way that fosters continued harmonious relationship at home, at school, and for the rest of their lives.

By: 

Tiffany Frye is the co-founder of nido durham (www.nidodurham.com), a coworking space with childcare in Durham, NC. She supports and mentors parents who want to craft a career that fits around their lives and honors their parent-self as well as their professional-self. You can connect with Tiffany at tiffanymfrye.com or on Twitter @nidodurham.

Source: Teaching Your Kids How to Resolve Conflict Without Fighting – A Fine Parent

.

References

  • UNICEF. 2010. The State of the World’s Children Report, Special Edition. New York, UNICEF.
  • Garrison, C. Z., Bryant, E. S., Addy, C. L., Spurrier, P. G., Freedy, J. R., and Kilpatrick, D. G. 1995. Posttraumatic stress disorder in adolescents after Hurricane Andrew. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Vol. 34, pp. 1193-1201.
  • Shannon, M. P., Lonigan, C. J., Finch, A. J. and Taylor, C. M. 1994. Children exposed to disaster: I. Epidemiology of post-traumatic symptoms and symptom profiles. Journal of American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Vol. 33, pp. 80-93.
  • De Jong, J. T. V. M. 2002. Trauma, War, and Violence: Public Mental Health in Socio Cultural Context. New York, Kluwer.
  • Dyregrov, A.; Gjestad, R.; Raundalen, M. (2002). “Children exposed to warfare: a longitudinal study”. Journal of Traumatic Stress. 15 (1): 59–68. doi:10.1023/A:1014335312219. PMID 11936723.
  • Thabet, A.A.; Abed, Y.; Vostanis, P. (2002). “Emotional problems in Palestinian children living in a war zone: a cross-sectional study”. Lancet. 359 (9320): 1801–1804. doi:10.1016/S0140-6736(02)08709-3. PMID 12044374.
  • El-Khosondar, I. 2004. The Effect of Rational Behavior Therapy in Reducing the Effect of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder among Palestinian Children. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Ain Shams University, Cairo, Egypt.
  • Hawajri, A. 2003. Effectiveness of a Suggested Counseling Program to Alleviate Trauma among the Students of Basic Stage in Gaza Governorate. Unpublished master dissertation, Islamic University, Gaza, Palestine.
  • Mohlen, H., Parzer, P., Resch, F. and Brunner, R. 2005. Psychosocial support for war traumatized child and adolescent refugees: Evaluation of a short-term treatment program. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 39 (1-2), pp. 81-87
  • Husain, S. (2005). “The experience of Bosnia-Herzegovina: Psychosocial consequences of war atrocities on children”. In Lopez-Ibor, J.; Christodoulou, G.; et al. (eds.). Disasters and Mental Health. New York: John Wiley and Sons. pp. 239–246.
  • Elbedour, S., Onwuegbuzie, A. J., Ghannamc, J., Whitcomed, J. A., Abu, H. F. 2007. Post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety among Gaza Strip adolescents in the wake of the second Uprising (Intifada). Child Abuse Neglect, Vol. 31, pp. 719-729.
  • One or more of the preceding sentences incorporates text from the free content work Marope, P.T.M.; Kaga, Y. (2015). Investing against Evidence: The Global State of Early Childhood Care and Education (PDF). Paris, UNESCO. pp. 118–125. ISBN 978-92-3-100113-0.
  • Das, R.; Hampton, D. D.; Jirtle, R.L. (2009). “Imprinting evolution and human health”. Mammalian Genome. 20 (10): 563–72. doi:10.1007/s00335-009-9229-y. PMID 19830403.
  • Walker, S. P., Wachs, T. D. et al. 2007. Child development: risk factors for adverse outcomes in developing countries. The Lancet, Vol. 369(9556), pp. 145-157.
  • Alaani, S., Adsfahani, M. S., Tafash, M., and Manduca, P. 2008. Four polygamous families with congenital birth defects from Fallujah, Iraq. In Save the Children, Protecting Children in a Time of Crisis. Annual Report.
  • Balakrishnan, B., Henare, K., Thorstensen, E. B., Ponnampalam, A. P., Mitchell DPhil, M. D. 2010. Transfer of bisphenol A across the human placenta. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Vol. 202, pp. 393-395.
  • Shonkoff, J. P., Boyce, W. T. and McEwen, B. S. 2009. Neuroscience, molecular biology, and the childhood roots of health disparities: Building a new framework for health promotion and disease prevention. JAMA, Vol. 301(21), pp. 2252-2259.
  • Engel, S.M.; Berkowitz, G.S.; Wolf, M.; Yehuda, R. (2005). “Psychological trauma associated with the World Trade Center attacks and its effect on pregnancy outcome”. Paediatric and Perinatal Epidemiology. 19 (5): 334–341. doi:10.1111/j.1365-3016.2005.00676.x. PMID 16115284.
  • Zubenko, W. N. and Capozzoli, J. 2002. Children in Disasters: A Practical Guide to Healing and Recovery, New York, Oxford University Press.
  • UNESCO (2011). “EFA Global Monitoring Report: The Hidden Crisis – Armed Conflict and Education” (PDF). Paris: UNESCO.
  • Massad, S., Nieto, F. J., Palta, M., Smith, M., Clark, R., Thabet, A., 2009. Mental health of Palestinian children in kindergartens: Resilience and vulnerability. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, Vol. 14(2), pp. 89-96, doi:10.1111/j.1475-3588.2009.00528.x.

Thabet, A. A., Vostanis, P. and Karim, K. 2005. Group crisis intervention for children during ongoing war conflict. Psychiatry, Vol.14, pp. 262-269.

Is This Really A Currency War Or Just A Tantrum?

Since the People’s Bank of China (PBOC) allowed the yuan to surpass the dreaded level of 7 to the dollar on August 11, rivers of ink have flowed citing a new matter of contention between the U.S. and China, namely using currencies to gain competitiveness or, more simply, a “currency war.”

To describe the events as a currency war may seem logical because another type of “war” between the U.S. and China, namely the trade war, has been on everybody’s mind for the past year and a half. Moreover, the Trump administration itself has continued this game by classifying China as a “manipulator” of its currency immediately after this latest devaluation.

In the same way as the U.S. Treasury is not following its own script when classifying China as a currency manipulator, neither should we think of the yuan mini-devaluation as China initiating a currency war with the U.S. The reason is simple: the yuan–which is not convertible–cannot afford a war with the dollar, nor can the U.S. Federal Reserve control its currency so as to use it as a weapon against China.

In other words, neither of the two rivals have the instruments to successfully engage in a currency war against each other. Starting with the dollar, there is no doubt that its value is determined by the market, as it could not be otherwise being the reserve currency of a world still governed by flexible exchange regimes for major currencies.

The Fed can influence the dollar with expansive or restrictive monetary policies, but there are many other factors that it and the Treasury simply cannot control. One important factor is risk aversion: the more the Trump administration tightens the screws on China and, thereby increases the risk of recession globally, the more the dollar appreciates, contrary to what Trump wants.

Moving to the yuan, the PBOC is much closer to determining its value than the Fed can for the dollar, as it retains control on capital flows and does not need to intervene in a highly liquid forex market like that of the dollar. Nevertheless, the reality is that capital is ubiquitous, so capital controls will never be completely effective.

In other words, the value of the yuan is not exempt from the forces of demand and supply, nor is its value in the medium term, no matter what the PBOC may opt to do on a specific date or period. Considering the yuan’s mini-devaluation, the beginning of a currency war is a mistake for one more very important reason. The PBOC has accommodated market pressure by devaluing while central banks tend to move against the market during currency wars.

It’s true, though, that the timing of the devaluation could mislead us towards the idea of a China-initiated currency war because it happened right after the U.S. announcement of additional import tariffs on Chinese products.

More than a war, we should see this reaction as a tantrum of Chinese policy makers facing additional pressure from the U.S. Besides, as happens for every tantrum, its consequences may not be the desired ones as such mini-devaluation will only prompt more capital outflows from China, undoing part of the monetary stimulus that the Chinese central bank has been carrying out for more than a year to sustain economic growth. In other words, it will not help China to grow, but rather the opposite.

Thus, it is important to distinguish between a war and a tantrum. In the former you control your weapons, in the latter you do not.

I’m the chief economist for Asia Pacific at Natixis. I also serve as a senior fellow at European think-tank BRUEGEL and am a non-resident research fellow at Madrid-based political think tank Real Instituto Elcano. I am also is an adjunct professor at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology and member of the advisory board of Berlin-based China think-tank MERICS, an advisor to the Hong Kong Monetary Authority’s research arm (HKIMR) and the Asian Development Bank (ADB) as well as a member of the board of the Hong Kong Forum and cofounder of Bright Hong Kong. I hold a Ph.D. in economics from George Washington University and have published extensively in refereed journals and books. I’m also very active in international media as well as social media. As recognition of my leadership thoughts, I was recently nominated TOP Voices in Economy and Finance by LinkedIn.

Source: Is This Really A Currency War Or Just A Tantrum?

China allowed its currency to fall below the key 7 yuan-per-dollar level for the first time in more than a decade. CNBC’s Eunice Yoon joins “Squawk Box” with the details.

%d bloggers like this: