The Skills You Need for Happier Relationships With Family

This holiday season, many of us gathered with our families, some for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic began. While time with loved ones can be heartwarming, family dynamics can also be complex and challenging. We offer insights around some of these relationship challenges and skills for building stronger relationships in our Science of Happiness course, a free, eight-week online course that explores the roots of a happy, meaningful life.

When we asked students in the conclusion of the course how the journey had impacted them, they shared everything from small habit changes to big life transitions. But one of the themes that kept coming up was how the course enhanced their sense of connection with family.

Family is key to well-being

In an opening discussion in the course, we asked students all around the world what makes them happy. The overwhelming response revealed how important family is for happiness.

Annette, a new student in the course, summarized it this way:

“The things that make me happy are spending time with my family and my dog, seeing my children grow and prosper in adulthood, being able to be independent despite physical limitations.”

Many students identified family relationships as their main focus for improvement through the course. They described many difficulties in these intimate relationships, as well: Juggling work and home life can be challenging, and when we are stressed, we often project our negative emotions on to our loved ones.

For example, Yainak, a student who recently completed the course, reflected:

“When I was terribly busy raising my children and I didn’t have the time to be considerate of others, it was difficult for me to be grateful to others, and I would only complain, wondering why I was the only one having a hard time. I couldn’t even be generous to my husband, who was the closest to me. At that time, when I got together with other housewives, the main topic of conversation was complaining about our husbands.”

Research suggests that family relationships can help us cope with stress, form healthier habits, and enhance self-esteem, leading to higher well-being. So how do we strengthen our family relationships?

Skills for happier family relationships

Each of the course’s eight weeks focuses on a specific theme, and many of these are very relevant to our family relationships.

Forgiveness. Conflict is inevitable, especially in close relationships, and our forgiveness lessons in the course center on forming genuine apologies, as well as activating compassion as we consider forgiving others.

For example, students learn the process of forgiveness based on research by Fred Luskin. Once you acknowledge your feelings and make a commitment to forgive, the steps also include soothing yourself when you feel upset and focusing on your positive goals for the future rather than past hurts.

Student Anna recalls many “family members’ relationships crushed due to unwillingness to forgive,” and emphasizes that “with family members who you care about, it’s OK to be the first one to apologize to the other for the situation you are in without blaming one or the other.” Many students agreed with this observation, acknowledging how the simple action of apologizing first can initially be uncomfortable and difficult—but ultimately worthwhile.

Gratitude. One practice, the Gratitude Letter, was particularly popular in the course. Students wrote letters expressing thanks to people they hadn’t properly thanked, and delivered them in person if possible, creating the space for heartfelt conversation.

Jackie, a new student in the course, shared:

“I wrote the letter to my mom and called her. It was moving and powerful for her, even though I thank her all the time, this delivery was more meaningful as I wrote to her to thank her for the person that she is, for her happy spirit and resilience. She cried, I cried, and this exercise made us both very happy and brought us closer together.”

Student Katie created a habit of doing the Three Good Things practice, taking time to reflect on positive moments from the day as a way to bring attention to the blessings in her life. Her partner joined in for this evening ritual, which has strengthened their bond through a short but impactful moment of appreciation.

“I’ve noticed feeling more rested when we do this,” she said. “We laugh more before we sleep and are spending less time looking at screens.”

Yainak also developed a gratitude practice with her husband. “We are now able to express our gratitude to each other, and I am amazed at how happy we feel when we do so,” she said.

Mindfulness and compassion. Throughout the course, students try a variety of mindfulness and compassion practices that can benefit their relationships with their families.

In the Active Listening practice, students practice giving and observing body-language signals during conversations that help deepen connection and enrich communication—like eye contact, smiles, and nods to show you are paying attention.

The mindfulness practices consist of three varieties: Mindful Breathing, Body Scan Meditation, and Loving-Kindness Meditation. Students are encouraged to integrate these practices into their daily habits, and many students reflected on the calm and clarity they get from practicing mindfulness.

Yainak found herself struggling to take care of everyone as a mother, daughter, and wife; all of the time and energy it took had become a chore, so she didn’t feel truly caring. Ultimately, she found that practicing mindfulness was a way of taking care of herself, so she could better take care of others.

She came to this realization during a Mindful Breathing practice, by “relaxing her mind and taking slow breaths.” After the course, she set a goal of creating “a life that helps those around me by gently approaching my own mind and body, then working on myself and imagining a happy future.”

Do you want to explore the roots of your own happiness and deepen your relationships? Sign up for the course in the new year and join our community of like-minded students striving for happier and more connected lives.

Source: The Skills You Need for Happier Relationships With Family

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Related contents:

The Science of Romantic Love: Distinct Evolutionary, Neural, and Hormonal Characteristics”. International Journal of Undergraduate Research and Creative Activities. 7: 1. doi:10.7710/2168-0620.1036Vangelisti, Anita L. (2011).

Interpersonal Processes in Romantic Relationships” (PDF). In Knapp, Mark L.; Daly, John A. (eds.). The SAGE Handbook of Interpersonal Communication. SAGE Publications. pp. 597–631. ISBN 978-1-4129-7474-5. S2CID 15423545.Meier A, Allen G (2009).

“Romantic Relationships from Adolescence to Young Adulthood: Evidence from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health”. The Sociological Quarterly. 50 (2): 308–335. doi:10.1111/j.1533-8525.2009.01142.x. PMC 4201847. PMID 25332511.Sassler S (June 2010).

“Partnering Across the Life Course: Sex, Relationships, and Mate Selection”. Journal of Marriage and the Family. 72 (3): 557–575. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00718.x. PMC 3399251. PMID 22822268.Iantaffi A, Bockting WO (March 2011).

Views from both sides of the bridge? Gender, sexual legitimacy and transgender people’s experiences of relationships”. Culture, Health & Sexuality. 13 (3): 355–70. doi:10.1080/13691058.2010.537770. PMC 3076785. PMID 21229422.

Number of U.S. adults cohabiting with a partner continues to rise, especially among those 50 and older”. Pew Research Center. 2017-04-06. Retrieved 2018-04-04.Blum D (2011-12-28).

Love According to Harry Harlow”. APS Observer. 25 (1).Suomi SJ, van der Horst FC, van der Veer R (December 2008).

Rigorous experiments on monkey love: an account of Harry F. Harlow’s role in the history of attachment theory”. Integrative Psychological & Behavioral Science. 42 (4): 354–69. doi:10.1007/s12124-008-9072-9. PMID 18688688.Kim S, Boldt LJ, Kochanska G (2015).

From parent-child mutuality to security to socialization outcomes: developmental cascade toward positive adaptation in preadolescence”. Attachment & Human Development. 17 (5): 472–91. doi:10.1080/14616734.2015.1072832. PMC 4840872. PMID 26258443.Kochanska G, Kim S (January 2014).

A complex interplay among the parent-child relationship, effortful control, and internalized, rule-compatible conduct in young children: evidence from two studies”. Developmental Psychology. 50 (1): 8–21. doi:10.1037/a0032330. PMC 3750102. PMID 23527491.Marceau K, Ram N, Susman E (September 2015).

Development and Lability in the Parent-Child Relationship During Adolescence: Associations With Pubertal Timing and Tempo”. Journal of Research on Adolescence. 25 (3): 474–489. doi:10.1111/jora.12139. PMC 4550307. PMID 26321856.

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6 Ways To Strengthen Your Relationships In 2023

Hyosun Hwang

Relationships are an essential component of a healthy, fulfilling life, but they can take a heck of a lot of work. As 2022 winds down, Well is looking back at some of the relationship-building strategies we covered over the past year to help you deepen your friendships or romantic partnerships going forward.

Making friends in adulthood takes initiative, and it can be daunting to put yourself out there. Remind yourself that the people you meet are more apt to like you than you presume, said Marisa Franco, a psychologist who studies friendship and who wrote the 2022 book “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.”

“That is based on research into the ‘liking gap,’” Dr. Franco explained, or the idea that we tend to underestimate how well-liked we are. There is also a separate but related theory known as the “acceptance prophecy,” which says that when people assume others like them, they tend to be friendlier and more open. If you’re looking to make friends, your mind-set really matters, Dr. Franco said.

A study that tasked participants with doing kind things for others found that the participants underestimated how appreciated those gestures were. That held true whether they did something for someone they knew (like baking cookies for a friend or giving a classmate a ride home) or for a stranger (like giving someone a free cup of hot chocolate on a frigid day).

“People tend to think that what they are giving is kind of little, maybe it’s relatively inconsequential,” said Amit Kumar, an assistant professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Texas, Austin, and an author of the study, published in August. “But recipients are less likely to think along those lines. They consider the gesture to be significantly more meaningful because they are also thinking about the fact that someone did something nice for them.”

If you’re not one for baking, or you just cannot see yourself buying hot drinks for strangers, don’t force it. Instead, consider your skills and talents, and ask yourself: How can I turn those into offerings for others?

Calling, texting or emailing a friend just to say “hello” tends to mean more than we realize, according to a 2022 study that included 13 small experiments. In some, participants contacted someone they considered a friend; in others, they got in touch with someone they were friendly with but considered a weak tie. Across the board, those reaching out underestimated how much doing so meant to the person on the receiving end.

To demonstrate how little it takes to lift someone’s spirits, the researchers intentionally kept the bar low for what constituted “getting in touch.” “Even sending a brief message reaching out to check in on someone — just to say ‘Hi,’ that you are thinking of them, and to ask how they’re doing — can be appreciated more than people think,” said Peggy Liu, Ben L. Fryrear Chair in Marketing, an associate professor of business administration at the University of Pittsburgh’s Katz Graduate School of Business and an author of that study.

John and Julie Gottman, who are married psychologists, have spent decades studying what makes marriage tick, and in their 2022 book, “The Love Prescription: 7 Days to More Intimacy, Connection and Joy,” they argue that much of it boils down to “turning toward” your spouse.

As the Gottmans, who co-founded the Gottman Institute, point out, partners make repeated bids for each others’ attention throughout the day. In response, the other partner can react in several different ways: ignore the outreach (turning away); respond negatively (turning against); or acknowledge the bid positively with something as simple as a nod or touch (turning toward).

“Let’s say I say to John, ‘Wow, look at that beautiful bird out the window!’” Julie explained. “John can totally ignore me. He can say, ‘Would you stop trying to interrupt me? I’m reading.’ Or he can say, ‘Wow, yeah!’” In one of the Gottmans’ best-known experiments, they watched couples over the course of a day and found that those who stayed married for years “turned toward” each other more than 80 percent of the time. Those who went on to divorce did so only about 30 percent of the time.

Terrence Real, a family therapist and author of the 2022 book “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship,” believes that in most partnerships, there are three phases of love: harmony, disharmony and repair. Yet our culture does not equip people to talk about — or deal with — that expected second stage of disharmony or disillusionment. Simply acknowledging it to yourself and your partner can help.

“I’ve run around the country for 20 years, talking about what I call ‘normal marital hatred,’ and not one person has ever come backstage to ask what I meant by that,” Mr. Real said.

Unlike schadenfreude, when we take pleasure in others’ misfortunes, “freudenfreude” describes the bliss we feel when someone else succeeds — even if it doesn’t involve us. There are benefits to sharing in someone else’s joy. It can foster resilience and improve life satisfaction.

One easy way to experience more freudenfreude is to check in with your friends and loved ones about their small victories or the bright spots in their day. Doing so turns you into a “joy spectator” — and gives you an opportunity to see the people around you at their best.

Catherine Pearson

Source: 6 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships in 2023 – The New York Times

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The Fastest Way To Get Over a Breakup and Grow

Jan Buchczik

Literature is full of brutally jilted lovers and cruelly broken hearts, whether Anna Karenina’s or Heathcliff’s in Wuthering Heights. But for my money, the most extreme case is Miss Havisham in Charles Dickens’s Great Expectations. In the classic novel, she never gets over the pain of being abandoned at the altar on her wedding day, decades before. Shut away in her dark house, Miss Havisham is described as a cross between a skeleton and a wax statue, frozen in a state of traumatic rejection.

As cartoonish as these characters are, they can seem achingly realistic to readers in the midst of the terrible heartbreak that can come when a romance ends. Miss Havisham’s fate seems plausible: You will never again see love as anything more than an exercise in futility. Little by little, of course, most people do get over a breakup, move on, and, eventually, love someone else. In those early days and months, however, the pain can feel like it will never end.

There is no magical remedy for a bad breakup, but that doesn’t mean you have to just suffer and read Victorian novels while you wait to feel better. There’s actually a lot you can do to speed the healing process, learn from the experience, and find new love (and, ideally, not make the same mistake again).

Breaking up is part of an ordinary life. Although the data are limited and results vary widely, some U.K. research estimates that people average roughly two serious relationships before settling into one that is considered permanent. In 2013, the average number of times Americans said their heart had been broken was five.

If your breakups have been awful, that’s normal. According to a 2018 poll from YouGov, 58 percent of American adults say breakups tend to be “dramatic/messy.” Only 25 percent said they tend to be “casual/civil.” No wonder people try to avoid them: Scholars who recently surveyed adults ages 18 to 29 found that about half said it was either moderately or exactly true that “I sometimes stay in a relationship longer than I should because I don’t know how to end it.”

Breakups, at least for the breakee, are literally painful. Modern neuroscience has found repeatedly that social pain—of which abandonment is an especially acute example—can stimulate many of the same brain regions as physical pain, notably the anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex. When you are in great pain, it can be hard to comprehend that you’ll ever feel better. Indeed, people experiencing depression often say that they forget what “normal” feels like.

But the pain does diminish. Psychologists writing in 2007 in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that when a romantic relationship dissolves, the average person rates her stress at a bit more than three on a one-to-seven scale of severity. Each week, that number falls, on average, by about 0.07. Think of it this way: If your grief is a solid 3.5 after a breakup, assuming you follow the average pattern, you can expect to feel better each week and only about half as bad after six months—a longer time than you perhaps want or expect, but not a permanent state of affairs.

Especially after a long relationship, a breakup can make you feel like you’ll never find love again. You most likely will, though, and maybe sooner than you think. One 2013 study published in the science journal PLOS One found that the length of the dissolved relationship is positively correlated with the proclivity of the newly single to rebound into a new relationship. Whether your specific rebound relationship is a good thing is something you have to decide, but the data suggest that you will be able to open your heart again.

Knowing your emotional wounds will heal with time doesn’t necessarily make sitting through the pain any easier in the early aftermath of an ugly split. There are a few things you can do to hasten the process of feeling better, however.

1. Think about what a jerk your ex is.

In one of the most novel experiments I have seen in the past few years, researchers at the University of Missouri recruited people upset after a breakup to try different techniques to reduce their feelings of love toward their ex and lighten their unpleasant mood. The researchers measured the effectiveness of each approach by showing the participants photos of their ex-partner while observing their brain activity on an electroencephalogram and asking them how they felt.

When participants were instructed to think about what they truly disliked about the person they loved—for example, by focusing on questions such as “What is an annoying habit of your ex?”—their feelings of love fell by a whopping 18 percent. It didn’t come without a cost, though: It also temporarily lowered the overall pleasantness of mood by 17 percent. You have to decide whether reduced heartbreak outweighs the unpleasant memory of your ex’s bad habit. If it doesn’t, move on to technique No. 2.

2. Go have fun.

Another strategy tested in the paper above was distraction. The participants were instructed to think about positive things in their lives, such as their favorite food. This was also effective, but in a different way: Although love feelings for the ex did not decrease, mood improved by 8 percent on average. So if your principal problem after a breakup is fixating on how much you love your ex, meditate on him picking his nose. But if your problem is that you’re feeling depressed, do something fun and enjoyable to occupy your mind. Read a good book, maybe, or go for a hike (perhaps not where you and your ex liked to go).

3. Put on some sad music.

Psychologists over the years have repeatedly remarked on what seems like counterproductive behavior when people feel sad: listening to sad songs. After a breakup, you should listen to “Happy,” not “I Will Always Love You,” right?

Actually, sad music can benefit a broken heart. Writing in the journal The Arts in Psychotherapy in 2016, a psychologist reviewed the available studies and found that people seek out sad music in order to help themselves understand and find meaning in their emotions. Breakup songs can help you feel less alone in your suffering and less unique in your misfortune. And sitting with your bad feelings (rather than pushing them away) is important for your emotional well-being and growth.

In this essay, I have offered you a few ways to shorten your heartbreak. Here is one way to extend it: Keep tabs on your ex on social media. This is strikingly common; in a 2011 study, 54.3 percent of college students confessed to having perused an ex’s social-media posts in search of photos with a new partner.

In the race for fresh ways for tech to hijack our brain chemistry and make us insane, there is a huge, obvious market for an app that surveils exes and sends alerts to your phone when they look happy. You might call it Creepster, or perhaps, Havisham.

As tempting as it might be, such surveillance is a huge mistake for happiness. Research on Facebook stalking shows that it is associated with greater distress, longing, negative feelings, and sexual desire for the ex-partner; it also inhibits personal growth in the wake of the split. It is a near-perfect way to ensure that you don’t feel better.

In order to get over a breakup, you have to let your life move on and let your ex’s life move on as well. Don’t hold on to the source of your suffering. Your pain will decrease, you will be able to love again, and you can leave Miss Havisham to wander her lonely house without you.

By Arthur C. Brooks

Source: The Fastest Way to Get Over a Breakup and Grow – The Atlantic

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Related contents:

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Study Shows ‘Man-Children’ Are Destroying Women’s Sex Drives

Photo: Francesco Carta fotografo...Getty Images

On the day 29-year-old Londoner Lianne moved in with her now-ex boyfriend, six years ago, she remembers crying. (Her name has been changed for privacy, like many others in this piece.) Not, as you might expect, because of excitement or joy. But rather, because it immediately became apparent that she was “going to end up taking on all of [their] life admin”, from that moment on.

Over the year they lived together, this fear became reality. “It hit me he was a man-child when he didn’t know how to use the washing machine or make the bed,” Lianne recalls. And, although he made minor efforts to “improve” at chores, he just “didn’t seem capable of doing so”. He broke her favourite knife, flooded the kitchen, nearly set the flat on fire “multiple times”, and would go missing on three-day benders.

“He seemed to feel bad, but justified his ignorance by saying his parents never expected him to do any chores at home,” she says. “Bear in mind, he’d moved out of his parents’ house seven years earlier.”This behaviour, and the ensuing plethora of excuses, will likely be familiar to many people who’ve lived with cisgender heterosexual men. Though not exclusively – but more on that later.

Dubbed ‘man-children’, these men can be characterised by a number of child-like traits, including ‘not noticing’ the dishes need washing or bins need emptying and weaponising their own incompetence when they eventually do it; being ungrateful for the emotional and physical care provided by their partner, and general helplessness when it comes to taking care of themselves – and, sometimes, their own kids.

Now, this phenomenon has officially been confirmed by science. A recent study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour journal, found that not only do man-children exist, but they’re actually killing women’s libidos with their ineptitude. Researchers from universities in Canada and Australia set out to explore if this kind of relationship unfairness could explain why many women, partnered with men, report a low sex drive.

Indeed, they found when women perform more household labour than their partner, they tend to see them like a dependent child. This, unsurprisingly, reduces their sexual desire for that person. Ongoing inequalities in domestic labour have even been cited as why more women file for divorce than men. (Recent statistics show women carry out 60 percent more unpaid work than men.)

According to the authors, until their research, this heteronormative dynamic had never been studied in relation to women’s sexual satisfaction or desire in relationships before. Emily Harris, one of the co-authors, says this is because “there’s a few unspoken assumptions” about women’s sexual desire. “One of these, is that low [sexual] desire is caused by individual factors, like hormones and stress, or general relationship factors, like conflict and dissatisfaction,” she tells VICE. “What these assumptions miss, is the broader context of gender inequity.”

Sari van Anders, another co-author, adds that many people find comfort in these assumptions. “It can feel more manageable to change your hormones, or try stress reduction techniques, than tackle structural inequalities,” she says. The correlation between man-babies and low libido hasn’t been overlooked by the women who’ve dated – or lived with – these men, though.

“Our sex drive completely died after six months of living together,” reveals Lianne. “I couldn’t take him seriously anymore and resented my role in our relationship. I felt like his mum.” Although she’s in a much happier, balanced relationship now, Lianne says her man-child experience has influenced her view on having actual children. “I can’t imagine spending two-plus decades picking up after someone who doesn’t appreciate my labour,” she says.

Emme Witt, a 48-year-old writer from Los Angeles, knows what it’s like to simultaneously care for children and a man-child. In fact, her ex-husband’s childish ways – specifically, his lack of support around the house – only started bothering her when they had kids of their own. “Suddenly I realised that not only was I in charge of the housework, but also all the child-rearing,” she says. “I had to discipline our kids on my own – my ex would even steal away to the bedroom when they were acting out. It was exhausting.”……Continue reading

Source: Study Shows ‘Man-Children’ Are Destroying Women’s Sex Drives

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How To Stop Overthinking Your Relationship

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Have you ever had thoughts like these in your relationship?When your partner comes home late, you think, They’re neglecting me. Work is more important than I am. If your partner doesn’t initiate lovemaking, you think, We’re on our way to a sexless marriage. I knew this would happen.

If your partner is distracted at the dinner table, you think, They’re bored. They have nothing to say to me. I can’t believe it’s come to this. If they forget to ask a follow-up question after a doctor’s visit, you think, They’re selfish and insensitive. I’m alone in this relationship.

Thoughts like these can arise when you feel threatened in your relationship, and then similar thoughts may follow. Reflexive, negative thoughts fueled by anxiety multiply. They may even become thought-pinwheels, spinning into what psychologists call rumination. Your ruminative thoughts distort your perceptions of your mate. Over time, as the distortions build into stories about the other person, you stop opening up, relating directly, and sharing yourself. You lose touch with the adventure of love.

In my therapy practice, I’ve seen overthinking erode love between people whenever it operates unseen and unchallenged. My vantage point isn’t solely professional either. As a former chronic ruminator, I’ve suffered the destructive effects of overthinking firsthand, including a painful divorce in my late 20s.Now, over two decades later, I know differently. Happy love stories are created, not stumbled upon.

Not only have I lived the changes that come with undoing rumination in the relationship my husband and I have developed over the last 17 years, but I’ve also helped hundreds of couples foster deeper intimacy and safer, more fulfilling connections by doing this work. My new book Stop Overthinking Your Relationship shares these strategies to help couples nurture love, trust, and satisfaction.

Five kinds of relationship rumination

In romantic relationships, overthinking gradually—day after day, month after month—can turn into a bad cognitive habit. It shortens our bandwidth for awareness, empathy, curiosity, and whatever is happening in our own hearts.

Like a snowball rolling downhill and gathering momentum, ruminative thoughts turn in a seemingly endless loop around the same painful themes. I’ve identified five distinct rumination cycles based on my work with clients:

Blame. This is my fault. I’m such an idiot. How could I let this happen? It’s unacceptable, intolerable, horrible, awful. My partner is selfish. They’re wrong. They should pay for this. They should apologize. Don’t they realize how much pain they’re causing me?

The blame cycle revolves around painful past events. You’re sure you’ve been unfairly treated, taken advantage of, and misunderstood. You had good intentions, and your partner misinterpreted what you said or did. You planned a special trip, and your partner ruined it with their irritability. You recall the past selectively. Events confirming your own (or your partner’s) flaws are magnified.

Control. I know best. I’m rational. I’m in touch with my emotions. My views should hold sway. I’m more genuine. I’m kinder, wiser, healthier, superior, younger, older. Because I’m the extravert, I’m more suited to organize our social life. I’m the one who keeps us healthy, safe, and happy. I’m the one who knows how to handle this.

Control thoughts orbit a desired future outcome and the best way to achieve it. Your partner must sit down at the table immediately. They must talk to someone—a therapist, parent, boss, or realtor—ASAP. It’s time for an emergency meeting with your attorney because you know what the next step is. You’re curious about consensual nonmonogamy, and so they should be, too. It’s time to go to Hawaii. You’re done with long-distance relationships.

Tension, mistrust, and inflexibility accompany the control cycle. Thoughts have a moralistic edge. You believe in externally defined truths—and you’re the one who knows what they are. Your partner should and must fulfill your vision of the relationship. Possibilities and options are black-and-white. There’s good or bad, right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy.

Doubt. Can I be sure of my own perceptions? Maybe I’m imagining things. Did what I think took place really happen? Why is every other couple doing better than we are? Why did I choose my partner? Is there someone smarter, kinder, more attractive, or richer out there for me? Why did my partner choose me? Am I a fraud? Can I trust my own choices? My intuition has misled me in the past. What if I keep making poor choices?

In this cycle, there’s never enough certainty. There are never absolute guarantees. No evidence is ever ironclad enough to support your choices, decisions, or actions. Good times seem insubstantial and fleeting. Searching for evidence only reinforces doubts. Painful insecurity and self-judgment are the hallmarks of chronic doubt cycles. The more you overthink, the less you trust your own recollections and intuition.

Worry. What will happen if he gets hurt on the job? What if we divorce and I don’t see our children as much as I do now? What if they stop loving me? She might cancel our next date if she finds out I’m a type-1 diabetic. One of us might catch COVID and give it to my father. This could be the last time we’re happy together as a couple.

In this cycle, worst-case scenarios rule. Fear keeps this cycle going. You convince yourself you’ll be safe as long as you prepare for the worst. Your mind does this by thinking of everything that could go wrong.

Self-pity. Self-pity cycles are focused on oneself as a victim. Why me? There’s nothing I can do. Life is unfair. I don’t deserve this. How come bad things always happen to me? I’ve tried everything. My situation is hopeless. We don’t stand a chance as a couple. Nothing makes a difference. The universe is against me. There’s no solution. Nothing will ever change.

Often, the unacknowledged expectation is that by embracing the role of a victim, you’ll inspire your partner to rescue you. But when you make your partner responsible for your well-being or behave as though you’re completely helpless when you’re not, they end up feeling controlled.

All of us are capable of spinning all the rumination cycles, and it’s not unusual to spin a hybrid of two or even three of them at once. But most of us have a dominant cycle: the one we spin most often. We may spin it so much that it colors our identity and personality. You probably have a secondary cycle, too, that you spin when your dominant cycle fails to bring resolution, relief, or closure.

How to break the rumination cycle

While your thoughts may feel like truth, your rumination sometimes operates as a defense: a coping strategy used to distract you from your own vulnerability.

Let’s say your girlfriend hasn’t responded to a text you sent her six hours ago. You’re upset, and you think, What’s she doing? Has she forgotten about me? Is she ghosting me on purpose? I thought she enjoyed our weekend as much as I did. Is she already tired of me? As you talk to a friend, you focus on all the ways she has disappointed you.

But what if underneath the rumination, something else is going on: You miss her? Your overthinking about your girlfriend is a protection against heartache and longing, uncomfortable emotions you’d prefer not to feel.

To counter rumination, what you need to do—what we all need to do—is to pivot from thinking about moments that unsettle you to being with them.

This isn’t something most of us have been explicitly taught how to do. When an event takes you off guard and you feel something emotionally or physically unnerving, do you consciously spend time being with your inner experience? If your answer is no, then you’re a normal 21st-century human. Most people’s first instinct is to try to get rid of unsettling experiences.

Being with yourself and your partner is a radical act. The following four steps can help guide you along the way.

1. See thoughts to become aware of rumination.

  • Pause. Stop what you’re doing for one minute.
  • Direct your attention inward or relax into a full-bodied experience of awareness. Notice whatever mental or cognitive activity is taking place within you in the here and now.
  • Inquire. Ask, “Is what’s happening in my mind a thought (or a series of thoughts)?”
  • Tune in. Is the answer to this question “yes,” “maybe,” or “no”? (If it’s “no,” you’re probably focused, in the flow of the task, or at peace. If it’s “maybe,” go through these steps again until you receive a clear answer.)

If your partner cancels dinner and your mind spins with thoughts like, They’re trying to hurt me intentionally. I can’t trust them. Why would they do this to me? I’ll show them by going out alone tonight, seeing these thoughts as thoughts interrupts the momentum of your blame cycle. You don’t automatically believe your thoughts are accurate representations of reality simply because you’re upset.

2. Label the mental habit or pattern. Once you see that you’re having a thought, label it by noting several aspects:

  • The thought itself. If you realize you were anxiously envisioning yourself and your girlfriend bored and miserable 20 years from now in the same small apartment you live in now, the following words might capture these thoughts: My girlfriend won’t ever travel with me and explore new places. Life is passing us by. We’ll end up old and unsatisfied.
  • Is it a fact or pseudofact—an opinion, judgment, assumption, or expectation you mistake as truth? Much of our rumination includes pseudeofacts that aren’t necessarily true.
  • The rumination cycle that your thought reflects—is it blame, worry, doubt, control, self-pity, or some combination?
  • The trigger. A trigger can be an action your partner takes—or doesn’t take. Consider the long pause—an eternity!—when you say “I love you” and wait for them to say something. Or maybe you notice your partner wincing when you ask how you look in your bagel-print Hawaiian shirt. Or you smell alcohol on their breath when they kiss you goodnight and a few weeks ago they swore off drinking.

3. Open to what’s going on in the moment. Acting as a defense, rumination can block us off from our own sensations, emotions, and impulses. In order to open yourself up to what’s going on within you in the here and now, ask yourself these questions and notice what arises:

  • “What sensations am I aware of in my body right now?” Then, stay tuned in to your body. Be patient and curious.
  • “What’s here emotionally right now?” Tune in to any emotional undercurrents within you.
  • “Can I notice my experience of this impulse in my body and choose to be with it rather than act on it? What’s this impulse telling me?” Tune in to impulses within you patiently and with curiosity, letting go of any outcome you’re hoping for or dreading.

Mindfulness practices can help as you try to orient yourself to the present.

4. Welcome vulnerability and the unknown. The final step is to welcome what’s arising. One way is by asking a question: “What’s under this?” This question communicates: I can take in what I’ve pushed out of my own awareness. I’m ready to recognize and accept what’s here.

It’s OK not to understand the way your body responds as you listen and wait. Maybe you’ll notice wisps of emotion. Or you might sense a surge of energy. There may be a twinge of discomfort or a rise in physical tension. Whatever it is, be with it while remaining grounded in your body, open, and tuned in. Sometimes, sustained, focused attention alone can amplify what your body is communicating and bring clarity.

You’ll always get an answer in some form. The absence of a response is also an answer. The answer you get doesn’t have to make rational sense. The answer may come over the course of a minute, a day, or a week. It may come piecemeal, in seemingly random insights.

Whatever arises, welcome it. Ultimately, this process allows us to increase our tolerance of uncomfortable emotions, sensations, and impulses and remain present to our own vulnerability rather than spinning imagined scenarios in our mind that distance us from what’s happening in our bodies and lives in the here and now.

The better you know yourself and what’s going on for you beyond your overthinking, the better equipped you are to express your feelings and needs more authentically and directly, hear your partner’s responses and feedback, and set limits based on self-awareness rather than anxiety. Cultivating vulnerability and authenticity helps partners foster connection.

Breaking the cycle of anxious rumination doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not magic. It happens one thought, trigger, and day at a time, one choice at a time. You and your partner are built to grow together, welcoming yourselves and each other more fully as you are right now. You don’t have to overthink it.

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Source: How to Stop Overthinking Your Relationship

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